Who Do You Follow?: Inspirational Moments

Last week, I posted about the retreat that I recently went on and focused heavily on two aspects of the retreat. Since there is so much more that I want to say about it, I decided to do a follow-up post focusing on the many moments during the retreat that amazed me and really got me thinking. For the purposes of privacy, I will not be using names.

1. A young retreatant's energy throughout the retreat. This child was the youngest one on the retreat and is in the 8th grade. In general, he is a complete ball of energy. From the beginning, I kept my eye on him to see how he would do. He wasn't in my small group so whatever I reference, I saw during large group activities. His incredible energy leaked into every single activity we did on the retreat. He also had some things to say that I would not expect to hear coming out of an adult's mouth, much less an 8th grader's mouth. He remained upbeat and always found a way to make things a little more fun and exciting. I think he is one of the rare gems of young boys that are excited to be at church events.

2. Leader talks. We had three talks throughout the course of the retreat and while all them were wonderful, the first two really stuck with me. They were given by a 14-year-old girl and a 15-year-old boy, respectively. Our first speaker talked about how she is constantly questioning things about the Catholic faith, not because she doubts but because she wants to find out more about these things so she can be stronger in her faith. I am almost 23 years old and I don't remember ever asking questions about the Catholic faith. Our second speaker talked about how he uses his faith to remain strong for his two younger siblings (aged 10 and 12) since his family is going through a tough time. He is the one they look to for comfort and seeing him be strong makes them feel okay. He also referenced Jeremiah 29:11, which says " 'For I know what I have planned for you,' says the Lord. 'I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you a future filled with hope." These two young kids have made me look at my faith life and re-evaluate it, in a sense. I look for ways I can find hope in what God has planned for me and what I can do better to deepen my relationship with both God and the Catholic faith.

 3. Prayer pals and rosary. At the beginning of the retreat, we got prayer pals and a rosary. Throughout the course of the weekend, we completed one rosary and each time we said a decade of the rosary, we offered it for our prayer pals. It was comforting to know that someone was praying solely for my intentions and that I was doing the same for someone else. It has been over a week since the retreat ended, and I am still praying for my prayer pal whenever the opportunity arises.

4. Status updates. Since the theme was social media based, we incorporated social media into the retreat however we could. One way we did this was by having six large sheets of butcher paper labeled with the day and time of day (ex: Saturday afternoon) and encouraging everyone, leaders included, to write a status update. The status updates on Saturday morning had to do more with how someone was physically feeling. As the retreat progressed, the status updates began to get more retreat-centered. By the end, the status updates were centered around the retreat and how the retreat made them feel. Everyone said that the retreatants have a transformation during the short time they are on retreat, but to have visual proof of that transformation was pretty awesome.

5. Wall posts/Messages. Another way we incorporated social media was by creating paper Facebook profiles, having strips of paper that looked like a Wall post box, and a bag with our names on them. The Facebook profiles and bags were taped onto the walls and throughout the retreat everyone was able to write affirmations/prayers/words of encouragement to whomever they pleased and put the Wall post strips in the bags. Every time I read my wall posts, I can't help but feel incredibly loved. Here are some of my favorites:

• "I've had a great time with you this weekend and I'm going to miss you." 
• "I've been praying for you all weekend. I am so glad you came this weekend."
• "You contribute great ideas and stories to our group. I am so thankful."
• "Your willpower and mental toughness supersedes anyone I know. It feels like you're a guardian angel watching over everyone."
• " You are such an inspiration to me. Love you!"

6. My personal transformation. Truth be told, I was a little apprehensive about going on this retreat. I had petty reasons why I didn't think I could go, but ended up deciding to go about 4 days before the retreat. I knew who most of the leaders were, but I wasn't close with most of them. I honestly felt a little bit like an outsider. I could not believe the change that I felt in myself within less than 48 hours. It was absolutely incredible. As we stood together after adoration singing Hold Us Together, I felt like I was back at Four:7 (for those of you who don't know, Four:7 is a Catholic praise and worship group at Notre Dame that I regularly attended). I felt I was back in my element and something that had been missing in my life for the past almost-year was there again. I'm so glad I decided to go because the most important thing that I got out of the retreat was my church family and I couldn't ask for anything better.

Who Do You Follow?

I just got back from an absolutely incredible retreat where the theme was social media; it was called "Retweet the Retreat: Who do you follow?". I had a great small group and grew to love my small group, I became closer with my fellow leaders, and overall had a wonderful time on the retreat. My favorite parts of the retreat were the reconciliation stations and adoration.

Saturday's afternoon activity was Reconciliation Stations. Essentially, we led our group around to 6 different stations, some of which had to do with reconciliation. We did this because we were unable to get a priest to come do an actual reconciliation service. The station that was the most powerful for me was the station where we were given the opportunity to write a letter to God about something that we needed to forgive or just wanted to say to Him. At this station, I realized that I can finally call the place that I came back to "home". My homesickness for Notre Dame and SMC has diminished exponentially since I started getting involved with the youth ministry and the young adult group at my church. I have friends that are similar to my ND/SMC friends. I no longer tear up at mass out of loneliness, but out of joy. I finally feel like I belong.

Saturday night we had adoration. This adoration was a lot different than Four:7 adorations and it was intense. In my experiences, Four:7 adorations were often calm, quiet, and everyone seemed to be in their own little world. This adoration was completely different. There was a lot of crying going on and I was touched by seeing how into adoration some of these kids were, the youngest one being 13. Last nights adoration took me back to the Four:7 adoration night in October 2011, the night before my grandpa died. I could not pull myself together and broke down crying about 20-30 minutes in. Almost immediately, my friend Joe came over to hold my hand and comfort me for the rest of adoration. Last night, it was my turn to do the comforting. At the beginning of adoration, I did feel emotional as I saw other people start to cry and as I was fighting back tears, I looked back to look at my friend and fellow leader Mirko. The second I saw him crying, I turned off the faucet in my eyes and went into Mama Bear mode. For the rest of the night, it was my job to hold down the fort and comfort him and our other friend Sara in every way that I could: stroking hair, holding a hand, rubbing backs and lower legs, reminding them to breathe, etc. Towards the end, we were sitting on the floor and Sara had gone to be with a retreatant, so I moved in next to Mirko. As I held his hand and put my head on his shoulder, I was instantly transported back the October 2011 adoration. Mirko and I were in the same position that Joe and I had been in the night before my grandpa died. I felt something powerful inside me in that moment that I can't explain well. I felt a warmth in my chest cavity and it was almost like my Mama Bear mode became stronger but more gentle at the same time. I have never felt more like a mom than I did last night.

We ended adoration with copious amounts of hugs and I love yous and Hold Us Together by Matt Maher. I heard the lyrics and couldn't help but smile while we were singing it. Strangely enough, Hold Us Together has been sung this year at Four:7. Is it a coincidence that the day I finally feel at home is ended by a wonderful group of people singing a song that is also sung Four:7? I don't think so. Thinking about it as I write, I think it was God's way of telling me that I am finally home.

If Plan "A" fails, you have 25 more letters in the alphabet

Today, I had a pretty important interview at Asuza Pacific University for their entry-level Masters nursing program. I went in feeling pretty good, but came out feeling not-so-good. I was informed that a) I will probably not be accepted due to my low GPA unless a miracle occurs and b) if I choose to reapply or am considering applying anywhere else, I will have to retake at least 3 classes so that I can have a stronger application. The classes that I would be retaking are Introduction to Organic Chemistry, Microbiology, and Oral Communications. So...that sucks.

After excessively ruminating on the information I received today, I find myself once again not really knowing what I am going to be doing with my life and feeling like I have been wasting my time. I know that I will probably not be going to nursing school within the next 12 months as I had planned and I know that I will be doing summer school. I also know that I will be continuing with my CCE program at the hospital. I partially blame one of my recommendors for the waste-of-time feeling. She had not sent my letter of recommendation in on time and so my application had to be rolled over into the next batch of applications. Had that not been the case, I would probably be working on retaking those classes already.

I am left with the job of figuring out Plan C. Plan A was to graduate with a nursing degree and Plan B was to start an accelerated nursing program by fall of 2013 or spring of 2014. I am frustrated and I am tired of failing. In the midst of that frustration, there is a slight sense of relief. I am relieved to know the reason I shouldn't expect to be accepted anywhere and what I can do to fix it for the next time around; otherwise I would just keep applying, getting rejected, and not know why. The next time around will be at least another 6-12 months from now. Until then, I will probably have to start at the lowest nursing rung possible and get a job as a CNA so I can make some more money and strengthen my application.

Through all of this, I have to remember that all options have not been exhausted and there is no timeline that I must follow. I have 24 more letters to go. Although in my timeline, I should be a nurse by now, getting married by 30, and having my first child by 33, my life is not set in stone from the very beginning. It is also helpful to know that my best friend Christine and I are essentially on the same life paths and are both going through the same thing. Perhaps that is a topic for another post.

In other news, I am nearly done with my Telemetry rotation as a CCE. I have enjoyed this rotation much more than the last rotation. It is more fast-paced and I am constantly doing discharges. Also, the family that I nanny for has had a new addition to the family. This new baby girl is just over a week old and is an extremely easy-going baby. She is precious and I look forward to the day when I can hold this beautiful baby.