Who Do You Follow?

I just got back from an absolutely incredible retreat where the theme was social media; it was called "Retweet the Retreat: Who do you follow?". I had a great small group and grew to love my small group, I became closer with my fellow leaders, and overall had a wonderful time on the retreat. My favorite parts of the retreat were the reconciliation stations and adoration.

Saturday's afternoon activity was Reconciliation Stations. Essentially, we led our group around to 6 different stations, some of which had to do with reconciliation. We did this because we were unable to get a priest to come do an actual reconciliation service. The station that was the most powerful for me was the station where we were given the opportunity to write a letter to God about something that we needed to forgive or just wanted to say to Him. At this station, I realized that I can finally call the place that I came back to "home". My homesickness for Notre Dame and SMC has diminished exponentially since I started getting involved with the youth ministry and the young adult group at my church. I have friends that are similar to my ND/SMC friends. I no longer tear up at mass out of loneliness, but out of joy. I finally feel like I belong.

Saturday night we had adoration. This adoration was a lot different than Four:7 adorations and it was intense. In my experiences, Four:7 adorations were often calm, quiet, and everyone seemed to be in their own little world. This adoration was completely different. There was a lot of crying going on and I was touched by seeing how into adoration some of these kids were, the youngest one being 13. Last nights adoration took me back to the Four:7 adoration night in October 2011, the night before my grandpa died. I could not pull myself together and broke down crying about 20-30 minutes in. Almost immediately, my friend Joe came over to hold my hand and comfort me for the rest of adoration. Last night, it was my turn to do the comforting. At the beginning of adoration, I did feel emotional as I saw other people start to cry and as I was fighting back tears, I looked back to look at my friend and fellow leader Mirko. The second I saw him crying, I turned off the faucet in my eyes and went into Mama Bear mode. For the rest of the night, it was my job to hold down the fort and comfort him and our other friend Sara in every way that I could: stroking hair, holding a hand, rubbing backs and lower legs, reminding them to breathe, etc. Towards the end, we were sitting on the floor and Sara had gone to be with a retreatant, so I moved in next to Mirko. As I held his hand and put my head on his shoulder, I was instantly transported back the October 2011 adoration. Mirko and I were in the same position that Joe and I had been in the night before my grandpa died. I felt something powerful inside me in that moment that I can't explain well. I felt a warmth in my chest cavity and it was almost like my Mama Bear mode became stronger but more gentle at the same time. I have never felt more like a mom than I did last night.

We ended adoration with copious amounts of hugs and I love yous and Hold Us Together by Matt Maher. I heard the lyrics and couldn't help but smile while we were singing it. Strangely enough, Hold Us Together has been sung this year at Four:7. Is it a coincidence that the day I finally feel at home is ended by a wonderful group of people singing a song that is also sung Four:7? I don't think so. Thinking about it as I write, I think it was God's way of telling me that I am finally home.