Original Poem: Looking For Mama

This is my most recent poem. I worked on it for about a week before deciding I was happy with it. I wrote it because a couple of the kids that are in the youth ministry program at my church call me Mama. Having them call me Mama makes me feel incredibly special. I think this is one of my best poems so far. It's different than the others in that it doesn't tell a story. Hope you enjoy it!

Looking for Mama

Name: Mama

Gender: Female

Age: older than me

Qualifying characteristics:

Mamas are special.

Mamas are safe.
Mamas encourage.
Mamas are patient.
Mamas are helpers.
Mamas are role models.
Mamas teach.

Mamas have faith.

Mamas love to listen.
Mamas speak gentle words.
Mamas are prepared.
Mamas make everything feel okay.

Mamas are there for you

through thick and thin.
Mamas smile when you smile
and hurt when you hurt.
Mamas know when something is wrong
without the need for words.
Mamas can make things better
with a hug or gentle touch.

Mamas know when to be silly

and when to be serious.

Mamas can be a great source of comfort,

no matter their size.

Mamas are excited to about your life.
Mamas miss their kids when they leave.
Mamas receive as much love as they give.

"Mama" is name given to someone

who has so much love in her heart
that calling her "friend" is not enough.

Being called "Mama" is a privilege.

Being called "Mama" makes
the female older than me
feel that she has made a difference
in someone's life.

Mama, I'll never be perfect.

But, please, don't let that stop you
from always loving me.

Meet My Soul Sister

This lovely lady next to me is my best friend and soul sister, Christine. It seems that she and I are complete mirrors of each other when it comes to our families, beliefs, political views, and even what point in our journey we are on. Our families are both comprised of two boys and a girl, we are both Catholic, Republican, and seem to be facing the same joys and struggles when it comes to day-to-day life. We even share the same birthdays...sort of. Our birthdays are exactly 6 months apart to the day (May 21 and November 21), so my birthday is on her half birthday and vice versa.

Christine and I met towards the end of our freshman year at Saint Mary's because we needed roommates for sophomore year. We were essentially strangers to each other when we moved into our room sophomore year knowing little other than first names. In the beginning we, or rather, I was reserved as I wasn't really expecting much out of us being roommates. By the end of the semester we had become closer than I ever would have imagined and decided to room together for our junior year. The close of fall semester meant Christine packing up her things and shipping out to Rome for her semester abroad. This made for a very sad me during most of spring semester.

Us rooming together was the start of probably one of the best relationships I have. Though we have had our share of rough patches, it has never been something that a little airing out the dirty laundry couldn't fix. Our senior year, we weren't able to room together but we were able to keep the relationship alive by having lunch together every week. Since graduating, weekly lunch has changed to weekly Skype sessions. She has been able to come out to California to visit me three times since we met and is basically the honorary child in my family, which I can't complain about. Though my stays at her house have been overnight stays, I always felt welcome and like a part of their family when I did stay with them. The first half of my 21st birthday was spent at Christine's house.  This year, I plan to spend Christmastime with her family.

Christine has been such a blessing in my life. I know I can count on her for anything and that she is probably going to be having the same experience that I am having. Knowing that there is at least one other person who is going through what I am going through, be it good or bad, is a huge comfort. If I have sad or happy news, the first person I want to tell the news to is my soul sister Christine. To quote Christina Yang from the TV show Grey's Anatomy, "She's my person. If I murdered someone, she's the person I'd call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor. She's my person."

Now, for your listening pleasure, I give you the song that inspired this blog.

Anxiety

While I was in Philadelphia, a certain bible verse popped up 2 or 3 times within a 24 hour period.  It was Philippians 4: 6-7, which says "Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

Raise your hand if you've ever heard or read this verse. I have come across this verse many times in my lifetime. In all honesty, I find it one of the more difficult verses to live out because I have issues with anxiety. I've never been diagnosed, but having majored in psychology I am pretty sure that I have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and panic attacks. So anxiety is pretty much a part of my daily life. Some of the anxieties I have on a daily basis are getting in a car accident at any given moment, getting food poisoning from the previous meal, and not being able to do nursing. These are pretty easy to control just by constantly reminding myself of the rules and regulations that are there so things like car accidents and food poisoning don't happen. Bigger things such as an interview or other such major events can lead to an anxiety attack. Most recently, I had an anxiety attack the night we left for Philadelphia because it was my first time flying in almost a year. I also mentioned panic attacks. These happen less often than an anxiety attack and when they do happen, it is typically during mass while we are saying the Our Father.

Side note time. There is a difference between an anxiety attack and a panic attack. The similarity lies in the fact that they both trigger a flight-or-flight response. The difference is the length and some symptoms. In my experience, anxiety attacks last for hours whereas panic attacks subside in about 15-20 minutes. With anxiety attacks, I have an overwhelming sense of something-bad-is-going-to-happen, restlessness, nausea, shaking, and shallow breathing. Panic attacks consist of increased heart rate, feeling faint, shaking, shallow breathing and feeling panicky after the faint feeling subsides.

Anxiety is not a pleasant thing to deal with. I have found ways to help lessen the intensity or duration of an anxiety/panic attack. One thing that I have found that helps the anxiety is to have a mantra. Since coming back from Philadelphia, the verse from Philippians has become one of my mantras, in particular the "Have no anxiety at all" part. My other mantra is "Come, Holy Spirit." I have found that these mantras help me feel safe and the repetition of either really does have an calming effect on me.

I hope this post was helpful to anyone who is dealing with anxiety problems. You are not alone and it is possible to regain control of your mind even if it feels like your mind is controlling you.

My Journey Home

Quick blurb before I start the actual post: I am leaving for Philadelphia and Boston tonight, so I wanted to leave you all with a blog post whilst I'm gone. I won't be taking my computer with me, so chances are I wont be able to blog while I am away. Now, on with the post.

So, I know in my last few posts I've mentioned that I finally am home or feel at home. Some of you may be confused by this and wondering "Haven't you been home for the last year?". Yes and no. I've been home in the sense that I have been in the place where I grew up. I have not been home in the sense that, until recently, I didn't feel like I belonged in the place where I grew up.

The last year has not been easy for me. The transition from college life to post-graduate life was a difficult one, as I expected it to be. I was in a constant state of Domesickness and wanted to go back to the life I had known and come to love within the last four years so badly. I missed that life so much that I was driven to write poems about it.

Upon coming back from college, I had few friends here and everything felt like it had changed. I was lonely and didn't feel like I had a community or family that I belonged to. For months, I felt like an outsider in the church where I grew up and very often had to hold back tears during mass. I became really good at plastering on that fake smile and acting like my life was fine and dandy. Despite my best efforts joining small faith groups and RISE (the young adult group at my church), I still did not feel like I was at home. I pretty much felt like a perpetual visitor.

Slowly things began to change. The first time I felt truly satisfied and happy with something I had done was when my church put on a Christmas party for the homeless in our community who would otherwise not be able to have a Christmas. After that event was the moment that I decided to become more active in youth ministry. The kids responded to me well and I felt good. Good, but not great. I didn't feel great because I still didn't know some of the older high school kids and I kind of felt like a bit of a misfit. Of course, that could have been due to my introversion and not fully immersing myself into their world. When the time for the most recent retreat came, I was nervous but decided to fully immerse myself into every single activity that the kids did. That turned out to be one of the best decisions I could have made. It didn't matter whether it was a small group discussion, game, or wild dance party, I put all my energy into that activity.

It has been a month since that retreat and I feel like life is amazing. Pre-retreat, life was good but I felt like I was just going through the motions of my day-to-day routine. I love everything that I do. I feel closer to all the kids at youth ministry. Some might say, "Why are you hanging out with junior high and high school kids?". My response to that is because I love them and I see myself as a mentor to them, especially to the younger kids.

Tonight, on my red-eye flight to Philadelphia, I will be donning the Retweet the Retreat t-shirt. To Gen 1 Youth Ministry: I will miss you all while I'm away and I look forward to seeing you all when I get back. Thanks for making me feel at home

Who Do You Follow?: Inspirational Moments

Last week, I posted about the retreat that I recently went on and focused heavily on two aspects of the retreat. Since there is so much more that I want to say about it, I decided to do a follow-up post focusing on the many moments during the retreat that amazed me and really got me thinking. For the purposes of privacy, I will not be using names.

1. A young retreatant's energy throughout the retreat. This child was the youngest one on the retreat and is in the 8th grade. In general, he is a complete ball of energy. From the beginning, I kept my eye on him to see how he would do. He wasn't in my small group so whatever I reference, I saw during large group activities. His incredible energy leaked into every single activity we did on the retreat. He also had some things to say that I would not expect to hear coming out of an adult's mouth, much less an 8th grader's mouth. He remained upbeat and always found a way to make things a little more fun and exciting. I think he is one of the rare gems of young boys that are excited to be at church events.

2. Leader talks. We had three talks throughout the course of the retreat and while all them were wonderful, the first two really stuck with me. They were given by a 14-year-old girl and a 15-year-old boy, respectively. Our first speaker talked about how she is constantly questioning things about the Catholic faith, not because she doubts but because she wants to find out more about these things so she can be stronger in her faith. I am almost 23 years old and I don't remember ever asking questions about the Catholic faith. Our second speaker talked about how he uses his faith to remain strong for his two younger siblings (aged 10 and 12) since his family is going through a tough time. He is the one they look to for comfort and seeing him be strong makes them feel okay. He also referenced Jeremiah 29:11, which says " 'For I know what I have planned for you,' says the Lord. 'I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you a future filled with hope." These two young kids have made me look at my faith life and re-evaluate it, in a sense. I look for ways I can find hope in what God has planned for me and what I can do better to deepen my relationship with both God and the Catholic faith.

 3. Prayer pals and rosary. At the beginning of the retreat, we got prayer pals and a rosary. Throughout the course of the weekend, we completed one rosary and each time we said a decade of the rosary, we offered it for our prayer pals. It was comforting to know that someone was praying solely for my intentions and that I was doing the same for someone else. It has been over a week since the retreat ended, and I am still praying for my prayer pal whenever the opportunity arises.

4. Status updates. Since the theme was social media based, we incorporated social media into the retreat however we could. One way we did this was by having six large sheets of butcher paper labeled with the day and time of day (ex: Saturday afternoon) and encouraging everyone, leaders included, to write a status update. The status updates on Saturday morning had to do more with how someone was physically feeling. As the retreat progressed, the status updates began to get more retreat-centered. By the end, the status updates were centered around the retreat and how the retreat made them feel. Everyone said that the retreatants have a transformation during the short time they are on retreat, but to have visual proof of that transformation was pretty awesome.

5. Wall posts/Messages. Another way we incorporated social media was by creating paper Facebook profiles, having strips of paper that looked like a Wall post box, and a bag with our names on them. The Facebook profiles and bags were taped onto the walls and throughout the retreat everyone was able to write affirmations/prayers/words of encouragement to whomever they pleased and put the Wall post strips in the bags. Every time I read my wall posts, I can't help but feel incredibly loved. Here are some of my favorites:

• "I've had a great time with you this weekend and I'm going to miss you." 
• "I've been praying for you all weekend. I am so glad you came this weekend."
• "You contribute great ideas and stories to our group. I am so thankful."
• "Your willpower and mental toughness supersedes anyone I know. It feels like you're a guardian angel watching over everyone."
• " You are such an inspiration to me. Love you!"

6. My personal transformation. Truth be told, I was a little apprehensive about going on this retreat. I had petty reasons why I didn't think I could go, but ended up deciding to go about 4 days before the retreat. I knew who most of the leaders were, but I wasn't close with most of them. I honestly felt a little bit like an outsider. I could not believe the change that I felt in myself within less than 48 hours. It was absolutely incredible. As we stood together after adoration singing Hold Us Together, I felt like I was back at Four:7 (for those of you who don't know, Four:7 is a Catholic praise and worship group at Notre Dame that I regularly attended). I felt I was back in my element and something that had been missing in my life for the past almost-year was there again. I'm so glad I decided to go because the most important thing that I got out of the retreat was my church family and I couldn't ask for anything better.

Who Do You Follow?

I just got back from an absolutely incredible retreat where the theme was social media; it was called "Retweet the Retreat: Who do you follow?". I had a great small group and grew to love my small group, I became closer with my fellow leaders, and overall had a wonderful time on the retreat. My favorite parts of the retreat were the reconciliation stations and adoration.

Saturday's afternoon activity was Reconciliation Stations. Essentially, we led our group around to 6 different stations, some of which had to do with reconciliation. We did this because we were unable to get a priest to come do an actual reconciliation service. The station that was the most powerful for me was the station where we were given the opportunity to write a letter to God about something that we needed to forgive or just wanted to say to Him. At this station, I realized that I can finally call the place that I came back to "home". My homesickness for Notre Dame and SMC has diminished exponentially since I started getting involved with the youth ministry and the young adult group at my church. I have friends that are similar to my ND/SMC friends. I no longer tear up at mass out of loneliness, but out of joy. I finally feel like I belong.

Saturday night we had adoration. This adoration was a lot different than Four:7 adorations and it was intense. In my experiences, Four:7 adorations were often calm, quiet, and everyone seemed to be in their own little world. This adoration was completely different. There was a lot of crying going on and I was touched by seeing how into adoration some of these kids were, the youngest one being 13. Last nights adoration took me back to the Four:7 adoration night in October 2011, the night before my grandpa died. I could not pull myself together and broke down crying about 20-30 minutes in. Almost immediately, my friend Joe came over to hold my hand and comfort me for the rest of adoration. Last night, it was my turn to do the comforting. At the beginning of adoration, I did feel emotional as I saw other people start to cry and as I was fighting back tears, I looked back to look at my friend and fellow leader Mirko. The second I saw him crying, I turned off the faucet in my eyes and went into Mama Bear mode. For the rest of the night, it was my job to hold down the fort and comfort him and our other friend Sara in every way that I could: stroking hair, holding a hand, rubbing backs and lower legs, reminding them to breathe, etc. Towards the end, we were sitting on the floor and Sara had gone to be with a retreatant, so I moved in next to Mirko. As I held his hand and put my head on his shoulder, I was instantly transported back the October 2011 adoration. Mirko and I were in the same position that Joe and I had been in the night before my grandpa died. I felt something powerful inside me in that moment that I can't explain well. I felt a warmth in my chest cavity and it was almost like my Mama Bear mode became stronger but more gentle at the same time. I have never felt more like a mom than I did last night.

We ended adoration with copious amounts of hugs and I love yous and Hold Us Together by Matt Maher. I heard the lyrics and couldn't help but smile while we were singing it. Strangely enough, Hold Us Together has been sung this year at Four:7. Is it a coincidence that the day I finally feel at home is ended by a wonderful group of people singing a song that is also sung Four:7? I don't think so. Thinking about it as I write, I think it was God's way of telling me that I am finally home.

If Plan "A" fails, you have 25 more letters in the alphabet

Today, I had a pretty important interview at Asuza Pacific University for their entry-level Masters nursing program. I went in feeling pretty good, but came out feeling not-so-good. I was informed that a) I will probably not be accepted due to my low GPA unless a miracle occurs and b) if I choose to reapply or am considering applying anywhere else, I will have to retake at least 3 classes so that I can have a stronger application. The classes that I would be retaking are Introduction to Organic Chemistry, Microbiology, and Oral Communications. So...that sucks.

After excessively ruminating on the information I received today, I find myself once again not really knowing what I am going to be doing with my life and feeling like I have been wasting my time. I know that I will probably not be going to nursing school within the next 12 months as I had planned and I know that I will be doing summer school. I also know that I will be continuing with my CCE program at the hospital. I partially blame one of my recommendors for the waste-of-time feeling. She had not sent my letter of recommendation in on time and so my application had to be rolled over into the next batch of applications. Had that not been the case, I would probably be working on retaking those classes already.

I am left with the job of figuring out Plan C. Plan A was to graduate with a nursing degree and Plan B was to start an accelerated nursing program by fall of 2013 or spring of 2014. I am frustrated and I am tired of failing. In the midst of that frustration, there is a slight sense of relief. I am relieved to know the reason I shouldn't expect to be accepted anywhere and what I can do to fix it for the next time around; otherwise I would just keep applying, getting rejected, and not know why. The next time around will be at least another 6-12 months from now. Until then, I will probably have to start at the lowest nursing rung possible and get a job as a CNA so I can make some more money and strengthen my application.

Through all of this, I have to remember that all options have not been exhausted and there is no timeline that I must follow. I have 24 more letters to go. Although in my timeline, I should be a nurse by now, getting married by 30, and having my first child by 33, my life is not set in stone from the very beginning. It is also helpful to know that my best friend Christine and I are essentially on the same life paths and are both going through the same thing. Perhaps that is a topic for another post.

In other news, I am nearly done with my Telemetry rotation as a CCE. I have enjoyed this rotation much more than the last rotation. It is more fast-paced and I am constantly doing discharges. Also, the family that I nanny for has had a new addition to the family. This new baby girl is just over a week old and is an extremely easy-going baby. She is precious and I look forward to the day when I can hold this beautiful baby.