DIY: Decorative Pillows

Have you ever bought a t-shirt that is either too small or too big but you keep it anyway and don't know what to do with it? This is a great way to repurpose your t-shirt and it can end up looking really cute.

This project is relatively easy, but can be very time consuming if you choose to hand sew over using a sewing machine. I did two pillows and it took me about an hour and a half per pillow sewing by hand.

Here's what you'll need:

• t-shirt
• one 20oz bag of polyester fiberfill per t-shirt
• scissors
• thread to match the color of your t-shirt
• needle (or sewing machine)
• pins or extra needles

 

Instructions:

1. Begin by cutting off the sleeves and collar from your t-shirt. For the sleeves, cut straight along the sides of the t-shirt. For thee collar, note where the scoop of the collar ends and cut straight across. At this point, your t-shirt should be shaped like a rectangle.

     2. Flip your t-shirt inside-out and pin the seams of the sleeves. This will help keep the seams together when you are sewing.

     3. Cut a long piece of thread, thread it through the needle, and tie a small knot at the end.
    
     4. Sew along the areas of the t-shirt that you cut in Step 1.

     5. Flip the t-shirt back out. At this point, your t-shirt should look like this:

 

     6. Take the polyester fiberfill and stuff the pillow to heart's content.

      7. Pin along the hem line once your pillow is stuffed. This will help in the next step.

 

 

     8. Using the pins as a guide, cut off any excess t-shirt material.

 

     9. Take your newly cut "hem" and fold the two sides of the t-shirt into each other and repin to help hold them together.

 

    10. Sew your pillow t-shirt closed.

 

    11. Once your pillow is all sown up, knead the pillow to spread out the stuffing as evenly as you can.

 

 

 

Happy crafting!



A Persuasive Speech

Background: I recently took a speech class and one of our speeches was a persuasive speech. I chose to do my persuasive speech on destigmatizing mental illnesses. I chose this topic because I have dealt with the stigma that comes with have a mental illness/psychological disorder and I think it is extremely important to take steps to decrease that stigma especially when dealing with young people. I present to you my speech.

     There is an illness that is different from any other illness or disease that we know of. This illness has few, if any, outward physical symptoms. Most of the time, we cannot tell that a person has this illness just by looking at them. The illness I am talking about is mental illness am weirdly proud to say that I have been affected by mental illnesses. Over the past week, I have been able to find many research articles on mental illness and what can be done to reduce the stigma of having a mental illness. Today, I am going to be talking to you about the stigmas associated with mental illness and what we can do to decrease this stigma.  Depression, generalized anxiety disorder, eating disorders, etc are more common than one might realize, but they often go unnoticed because of these stigmas. First, I will define mental illness and give you some statistics about mental illness. Second, I will define stigma and tell you about the ways mentally ill people have been stigmatized both in the past and today and why. Finally, I will tell you about some laws that attempt to decrease stigma in the work place and offer suggestions as to how to further decrease stigma.

         In order to understand what mental illness is, it is helpful to have an operational definition of the term. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) states that " mental illnesses can affect persons of any age, race, religion or income" and defines mental illness as " a medical condition that disrupts a person's thinking, feeling, mood, ability to relate to others and daily functioning... that often result in a diminished capacity for coping with the ordinary demands of life." Using this definition, we can conclude that mental illness is non-discriminatory and is a legitimate condition that affects a person's ability to function in their day-to-day life.  The statistics on mental illness are surprising. NAMI's website gives the following statistics on reported mental illness. Bipolar disorder or manic depression affects over 10 million Americans. Depression affects 5-8% of adults, 1 in 8 women, 1 in 5 teenaged children, 2% of school-aged children, and about 20% of seniors aged 65 or older. OCD affects 1 in 40 people or about 2% of the population. Schizophrenia affects 2.4 million adults over the age of 18. Anxiety disorders affect about 20% of the population. Looking at the numbers gives us a better picture of how common mental illnesses actually are. However, most psychologists believe that these numbers are too low because of the cases that go unreported because of the stigma of having a mental illness.

            The understanding of stigma is that stigma is not something you want to have. An article in the International Journal of Students' Research written by Kah Poh Loh and Hatem Ghorab published in 2011 defines stigmatization in psychiatry as "a stereotypical set of negative attitudes, incorrect beliefs, and fear associated with  the diagnosis of mental illness." Based on this definition, we can see why someone who thinks they may have a mental illness would not report it and have negative attitudes, incorrect beliefs, and fear directed towards them. The stigmatization of mental illness is not something new. In the article "From Sin to Science: Fighting the Stigmatization of Mental Illness" published in August 2012,  Julio Arboleda-Flores, MD, PhD, and Heather Stuart, MA, PhD state that  "banishment has been a consistent societal response to people with a mental illness." Forms of banishment included asylums, being thrown out of the city walls, or being placed in a ship that would not disembark. We can see that, even from a time when it was not well understood, mental illness was something that was looked down upon.

   Stigmatization in today's society comes from media attention and personal beliefs. Arboleda-Flores and Stuart explain that most of the contact that is made with mental illnesses is "through news or entertainment media where people with mental illnesses are depicted as unpredictable, violent, and dangerous." If this type of media depiction is the only way people with mental illnesses are seen, it is no wonder why there is a stigma towards having a mental illness. Adding to the stigma is the weight that personal beliefs carry. A research study conducted by Bernice A. Pescosolido, PhD and colleagues published in March of this year found that stigma does have a backbone. After surveying a total of 19, 508 people across the world, they found that "even in countries with more accepting cultural climates, issues that deal primarily with intimate settings, vulnerable groups, or self-harm elicit the greatest amount of negative response" among other findings. So even if someone is raised to be more accepting,  if there is an issue that harms the people around them, they are more likely to feel negatively about that issue. Mental illness is one of those issues. With all the negativity and stigmas directed towards mental illness, various measures have been taken to try to decrease it.

            Since about the late 1970s, there have been various laws put into effect to decrease stigma of mental illness in the workplace. Janet R. Cummings and colleagues discuss three of these laws in their article "Addressing Public Stigma and Disparities Among Persons with Mental Illness: The Role of Federal Policy" which was published by the American Journal of Public Health in March of this year. The first is the Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity Act of 2008 which "required large private group health plans that offer mental health or substance use disorder coverage to offer these benefits at parity with medical or surgical benefits in annual and lifetime dollar limits, financial requirements, and treatment limitations." The second is the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act of 2010 requires substance use disorder coverage to "be included in essential benefit packages for insurance plans." The third of these is the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990 which protects individuals with mental illness and other disabilities from discrimination "in job application procedures, hiring, advancement, discharge, compensation, and other employment-related conditions" much like the Education for All Handicapped Children Act of 1975 protected children from stigma. These laws were enacted to reduce the stigma of mental illness and have been successful in doing so. However, these laws do not protect everyone. Cummings and colleagues state that even though antidiscrimination laws have expanded over time, they do not necessarily protect all subgroups with different types of mental illnesses. Though there has been success in protecting those with a mental illness, there should be more Federal policies to ensure coverage of the subgroups of mental illness.

            Decreasing stigma in the workplace is a positive step forward. However, I believe further steps to reduce stigma should begin in childhood. It is important that children be educated about the signs of a mental illness so they can recognize it in themselves and others and not be ashamed if they fall victim to a mental illness. Adults should also consider educating themselves about mental illnesses. I am not suggesting a full-blown abnormal psychology class, but rather one that covers the basics of common mental illnesses such as what they are, the signs and symptoms, and the risk factors associated with them.

            We now have an understanding of what mental illnesses are, how common they are, how and why people stigmatize, and the laws that have been set to decrease stigma in the workplace. Remember that mental illness is a sickness of the brain and does not have many physical manifestations so it is not easily recognizable just by looking at someone.  I hope that after tonight you all can recognize stigmas within yourselves and the people around you and try to change any stigmas towards mental illness that you recognize. I also hope that you will take some time and educate yourselves about the various mental illnesses out there. If you educate yourselves, it may be easier for you to talk to a friend who is being affected by a mental illness and help them not feel stigmatized.

  

 

 

         

Blessings in My Life

The last month or so has been both very exciting and busy for me. In the midst of all the excitement, I have found myself to be extremely blessed in many ways. I am blessed daily with the seemingly little things that are actually big things such as my family, the gorgeous area where I live, the kids that I babysit, etc. The following are the blessings that, while they are bigger blessings, took me a while to see how truly fortunate I am to have them.

1. Volunteering on the Mother-Baby Unit
As part of the CCE program at my local hospital, we are able to work on different floors every 3 months provided we complete our 48 hours for each rotation. Due to some unforeseen circumstances, I was unable to complete my hours for the last rotation and am repeating the rotation for the next 3 months. The Mother-Baby floor is easily the happiest floor that I have been on. Every day that I am on the floor, I get to see and sometimes hold tiny newborn babies, most of whom are less than 24-48 hours old. I also get to discharge the moms and babies. Seeing new life on a weekly basis reminds me of how incredible God is and how much love a mother can have for her child. Last month alone there were 529 babies born at my local hospital.

2. Passing my CNA exam.
As of 3 weeks ago, I am a Certified Nurse Assistant (CNA). For me, the exam was super easy. I passed both the written and the skills exam with flying colors. While I was at the exam, there were others who were taking only the written portion or only the skills portion. Of those who were taking only the written portion, few of them  spoke English well. I also didn't really study for the exam that much. I started studying maybe four or five days before the exam. I've realized that I am incredibly lucky to have such ease in taking exams and to be able to speak two languages completely fluently.

3. My new car
A few days after passing my CNA test, I got a new car. Before the new car came around, I was driving an extremely janky car. Many things were wrong with the old car; the biggest one was the transmission was having problems. I drove a car with a bad transmission for 8 months and I stalled twice. I didn't drive the car very far and every time I got in the car I prayed that I could get to my destination without too many problems. I was lucky and had the option of driving my mom's car if necessary. I've realized that a lot of people are also driving around in janky cars for longer than I had to and may or may not have other means of getting around. I think this would be a good time to give a big THANK YOU to my parents for doing everything they could so I get around to all my activities safely.

4. Retreats and bonfires
I frequently talk/write about how great it is that I'm involved in the youth ministry program because of the people I've met and how they have all become a big part of my life. While that is all well and good, what I haven't talked too much about (at least in the blog) is the God part of it. I just came back from another amazing retreat and God did a number on me once again. What I love about retreats is that you get to spend time away from modern life, take a good look inside yourself, and God does something to enrich your life throughout the course of the retreat. For me, this has happened during adoration on the last two retreats. After this past weekend's retreat, I have felt so much lighter and happier than I have been. At adoration, I was finally able to let go of the pain caused by words that were said to me by someone close to me after about a year. When kids get back from retreat, so many parents tell us that they can already see a change in their son or daughter and that we did a wonderful job. That is God's work being manifested before our eyes.

Another thing that I have come to love about youth ministry is the bonfires that we have every week during the summer. I really can't put into words why I love bonfires so much. Everyone is there seemingly carefree and we have a good time by simply being at the beach, playing volleyball, and roasting hot dogs and marshmallows. As summer draws to a close the bonfires go later and later. To me, bonfires are another way of building community between the kids and adults regardless of their age (at our bonfires, ages range from 11-24).

I have a challenge for you all this time, dear readers. My challenge to you is to look for at least three blessings that you may have not seen before and continue to look for them even in your toughest moments.

Original Poem: Looking For Mama

This is my most recent poem. I worked on it for about a week before deciding I was happy with it. I wrote it because a couple of the kids that are in the youth ministry program at my church call me Mama. Having them call me Mama makes me feel incredibly special. I think this is one of my best poems so far. It's different than the others in that it doesn't tell a story. Hope you enjoy it!

Looking for Mama

Name: Mama

Gender: Female

Age: older than me

Qualifying characteristics:

Mamas are special.

Mamas are safe.
Mamas encourage.
Mamas are patient.
Mamas are helpers.
Mamas are role models.
Mamas teach.

Mamas have faith.

Mamas love to listen.
Mamas speak gentle words.
Mamas are prepared.
Mamas make everything feel okay.

Mamas are there for you

through thick and thin.
Mamas smile when you smile
and hurt when you hurt.
Mamas know when something is wrong
without the need for words.
Mamas can make things better
with a hug or gentle touch.

Mamas know when to be silly

and when to be serious.

Mamas can be a great source of comfort,

no matter their size.

Mamas are excited to about your life.
Mamas miss their kids when they leave.
Mamas receive as much love as they give.

"Mama" is name given to someone

who has so much love in her heart
that calling her "friend" is not enough.

Being called "Mama" is a privilege.

Being called "Mama" makes
the female older than me
feel that she has made a difference
in someone's life.

Mama, I'll never be perfect.

But, please, don't let that stop you
from always loving me.

Meet My Soul Sister

This lovely lady next to me is my best friend and soul sister, Christine. It seems that she and I are complete mirrors of each other when it comes to our families, beliefs, political views, and even what point in our journey we are on. Our families are both comprised of two boys and a girl, we are both Catholic, Republican, and seem to be facing the same joys and struggles when it comes to day-to-day life. We even share the same birthdays...sort of. Our birthdays are exactly 6 months apart to the day (May 21 and November 21), so my birthday is on her half birthday and vice versa.

Christine and I met towards the end of our freshman year at Saint Mary's because we needed roommates for sophomore year. We were essentially strangers to each other when we moved into our room sophomore year knowing little other than first names. In the beginning we, or rather, I was reserved as I wasn't really expecting much out of us being roommates. By the end of the semester we had become closer than I ever would have imagined and decided to room together for our junior year. The close of fall semester meant Christine packing up her things and shipping out to Rome for her semester abroad. This made for a very sad me during most of spring semester.

Us rooming together was the start of probably one of the best relationships I have. Though we have had our share of rough patches, it has never been something that a little airing out the dirty laundry couldn't fix. Our senior year, we weren't able to room together but we were able to keep the relationship alive by having lunch together every week. Since graduating, weekly lunch has changed to weekly Skype sessions. She has been able to come out to California to visit me three times since we met and is basically the honorary child in my family, which I can't complain about. Though my stays at her house have been overnight stays, I always felt welcome and like a part of their family when I did stay with them. The first half of my 21st birthday was spent at Christine's house.  This year, I plan to spend Christmastime with her family.

Christine has been such a blessing in my life. I know I can count on her for anything and that she is probably going to be having the same experience that I am having. Knowing that there is at least one other person who is going through what I am going through, be it good or bad, is a huge comfort. If I have sad or happy news, the first person I want to tell the news to is my soul sister Christine. To quote Christina Yang from the TV show Grey's Anatomy, "She's my person. If I murdered someone, she's the person I'd call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor. She's my person."

Now, for your listening pleasure, I give you the song that inspired this blog.

Anxiety

While I was in Philadelphia, a certain bible verse popped up 2 or 3 times within a 24 hour period.  It was Philippians 4: 6-7, which says "Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

Raise your hand if you've ever heard or read this verse. I have come across this verse many times in my lifetime. In all honesty, I find it one of the more difficult verses to live out because I have issues with anxiety. I've never been diagnosed, but having majored in psychology I am pretty sure that I have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and panic attacks. So anxiety is pretty much a part of my daily life. Some of the anxieties I have on a daily basis are getting in a car accident at any given moment, getting food poisoning from the previous meal, and not being able to do nursing. These are pretty easy to control just by constantly reminding myself of the rules and regulations that are there so things like car accidents and food poisoning don't happen. Bigger things such as an interview or other such major events can lead to an anxiety attack. Most recently, I had an anxiety attack the night we left for Philadelphia because it was my first time flying in almost a year. I also mentioned panic attacks. These happen less often than an anxiety attack and when they do happen, it is typically during mass while we are saying the Our Father.

Side note time. There is a difference between an anxiety attack and a panic attack. The similarity lies in the fact that they both trigger a flight-or-flight response. The difference is the length and some symptoms. In my experience, anxiety attacks last for hours whereas panic attacks subside in about 15-20 minutes. With anxiety attacks, I have an overwhelming sense of something-bad-is-going-to-happen, restlessness, nausea, shaking, and shallow breathing. Panic attacks consist of increased heart rate, feeling faint, shaking, shallow breathing and feeling panicky after the faint feeling subsides.

Anxiety is not a pleasant thing to deal with. I have found ways to help lessen the intensity or duration of an anxiety/panic attack. One thing that I have found that helps the anxiety is to have a mantra. Since coming back from Philadelphia, the verse from Philippians has become one of my mantras, in particular the "Have no anxiety at all" part. My other mantra is "Come, Holy Spirit." I have found that these mantras help me feel safe and the repetition of either really does have an calming effect on me.

I hope this post was helpful to anyone who is dealing with anxiety problems. You are not alone and it is possible to regain control of your mind even if it feels like your mind is controlling you.

My Journey Home

Quick blurb before I start the actual post: I am leaving for Philadelphia and Boston tonight, so I wanted to leave you all with a blog post whilst I'm gone. I won't be taking my computer with me, so chances are I wont be able to blog while I am away. Now, on with the post.

So, I know in my last few posts I've mentioned that I finally am home or feel at home. Some of you may be confused by this and wondering "Haven't you been home for the last year?". Yes and no. I've been home in the sense that I have been in the place where I grew up. I have not been home in the sense that, until recently, I didn't feel like I belonged in the place where I grew up.

The last year has not been easy for me. The transition from college life to post-graduate life was a difficult one, as I expected it to be. I was in a constant state of Domesickness and wanted to go back to the life I had known and come to love within the last four years so badly. I missed that life so much that I was driven to write poems about it.

Upon coming back from college, I had few friends here and everything felt like it had changed. I was lonely and didn't feel like I had a community or family that I belonged to. For months, I felt like an outsider in the church where I grew up and very often had to hold back tears during mass. I became really good at plastering on that fake smile and acting like my life was fine and dandy. Despite my best efforts joining small faith groups and RISE (the young adult group at my church), I still did not feel like I was at home. I pretty much felt like a perpetual visitor.

Slowly things began to change. The first time I felt truly satisfied and happy with something I had done was when my church put on a Christmas party for the homeless in our community who would otherwise not be able to have a Christmas. After that event was the moment that I decided to become more active in youth ministry. The kids responded to me well and I felt good. Good, but not great. I didn't feel great because I still didn't know some of the older high school kids and I kind of felt like a bit of a misfit. Of course, that could have been due to my introversion and not fully immersing myself into their world. When the time for the most recent retreat came, I was nervous but decided to fully immerse myself into every single activity that the kids did. That turned out to be one of the best decisions I could have made. It didn't matter whether it was a small group discussion, game, or wild dance party, I put all my energy into that activity.

It has been a month since that retreat and I feel like life is amazing. Pre-retreat, life was good but I felt like I was just going through the motions of my day-to-day routine. I love everything that I do. I feel closer to all the kids at youth ministry. Some might say, "Why are you hanging out with junior high and high school kids?". My response to that is because I love them and I see myself as a mentor to them, especially to the younger kids.

Tonight, on my red-eye flight to Philadelphia, I will be donning the Retweet the Retreat t-shirt. To Gen 1 Youth Ministry: I will miss you all while I'm away and I look forward to seeing you all when I get back. Thanks for making me feel at home

Who Do You Follow?: Inspirational Moments

Last week, I posted about the retreat that I recently went on and focused heavily on two aspects of the retreat. Since there is so much more that I want to say about it, I decided to do a follow-up post focusing on the many moments during the retreat that amazed me and really got me thinking. For the purposes of privacy, I will not be using names.

1. A young retreatant's energy throughout the retreat. This child was the youngest one on the retreat and is in the 8th grade. In general, he is a complete ball of energy. From the beginning, I kept my eye on him to see how he would do. He wasn't in my small group so whatever I reference, I saw during large group activities. His incredible energy leaked into every single activity we did on the retreat. He also had some things to say that I would not expect to hear coming out of an adult's mouth, much less an 8th grader's mouth. He remained upbeat and always found a way to make things a little more fun and exciting. I think he is one of the rare gems of young boys that are excited to be at church events.

2. Leader talks. We had three talks throughout the course of the retreat and while all them were wonderful, the first two really stuck with me. They were given by a 14-year-old girl and a 15-year-old boy, respectively. Our first speaker talked about how she is constantly questioning things about the Catholic faith, not because she doubts but because she wants to find out more about these things so she can be stronger in her faith. I am almost 23 years old and I don't remember ever asking questions about the Catholic faith. Our second speaker talked about how he uses his faith to remain strong for his two younger siblings (aged 10 and 12) since his family is going through a tough time. He is the one they look to for comfort and seeing him be strong makes them feel okay. He also referenced Jeremiah 29:11, which says " 'For I know what I have planned for you,' says the Lord. 'I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you a future filled with hope." These two young kids have made me look at my faith life and re-evaluate it, in a sense. I look for ways I can find hope in what God has planned for me and what I can do better to deepen my relationship with both God and the Catholic faith.

 3. Prayer pals and rosary. At the beginning of the retreat, we got prayer pals and a rosary. Throughout the course of the weekend, we completed one rosary and each time we said a decade of the rosary, we offered it for our prayer pals. It was comforting to know that someone was praying solely for my intentions and that I was doing the same for someone else. It has been over a week since the retreat ended, and I am still praying for my prayer pal whenever the opportunity arises.

4. Status updates. Since the theme was social media based, we incorporated social media into the retreat however we could. One way we did this was by having six large sheets of butcher paper labeled with the day and time of day (ex: Saturday afternoon) and encouraging everyone, leaders included, to write a status update. The status updates on Saturday morning had to do more with how someone was physically feeling. As the retreat progressed, the status updates began to get more retreat-centered. By the end, the status updates were centered around the retreat and how the retreat made them feel. Everyone said that the retreatants have a transformation during the short time they are on retreat, but to have visual proof of that transformation was pretty awesome.

5. Wall posts/Messages. Another way we incorporated social media was by creating paper Facebook profiles, having strips of paper that looked like a Wall post box, and a bag with our names on them. The Facebook profiles and bags were taped onto the walls and throughout the retreat everyone was able to write affirmations/prayers/words of encouragement to whomever they pleased and put the Wall post strips in the bags. Every time I read my wall posts, I can't help but feel incredibly loved. Here are some of my favorites:

• "I've had a great time with you this weekend and I'm going to miss you." 
• "I've been praying for you all weekend. I am so glad you came this weekend."
• "You contribute great ideas and stories to our group. I am so thankful."
• "Your willpower and mental toughness supersedes anyone I know. It feels like you're a guardian angel watching over everyone."
• " You are such an inspiration to me. Love you!"

6. My personal transformation. Truth be told, I was a little apprehensive about going on this retreat. I had petty reasons why I didn't think I could go, but ended up deciding to go about 4 days before the retreat. I knew who most of the leaders were, but I wasn't close with most of them. I honestly felt a little bit like an outsider. I could not believe the change that I felt in myself within less than 48 hours. It was absolutely incredible. As we stood together after adoration singing Hold Us Together, I felt like I was back at Four:7 (for those of you who don't know, Four:7 is a Catholic praise and worship group at Notre Dame that I regularly attended). I felt I was back in my element and something that had been missing in my life for the past almost-year was there again. I'm so glad I decided to go because the most important thing that I got out of the retreat was my church family and I couldn't ask for anything better.

Who Do You Follow?

I just got back from an absolutely incredible retreat where the theme was social media; it was called "Retweet the Retreat: Who do you follow?". I had a great small group and grew to love my small group, I became closer with my fellow leaders, and overall had a wonderful time on the retreat. My favorite parts of the retreat were the reconciliation stations and adoration.

Saturday's afternoon activity was Reconciliation Stations. Essentially, we led our group around to 6 different stations, some of which had to do with reconciliation. We did this because we were unable to get a priest to come do an actual reconciliation service. The station that was the most powerful for me was the station where we were given the opportunity to write a letter to God about something that we needed to forgive or just wanted to say to Him. At this station, I realized that I can finally call the place that I came back to "home". My homesickness for Notre Dame and SMC has diminished exponentially since I started getting involved with the youth ministry and the young adult group at my church. I have friends that are similar to my ND/SMC friends. I no longer tear up at mass out of loneliness, but out of joy. I finally feel like I belong.

Saturday night we had adoration. This adoration was a lot different than Four:7 adorations and it was intense. In my experiences, Four:7 adorations were often calm, quiet, and everyone seemed to be in their own little world. This adoration was completely different. There was a lot of crying going on and I was touched by seeing how into adoration some of these kids were, the youngest one being 13. Last nights adoration took me back to the Four:7 adoration night in October 2011, the night before my grandpa died. I could not pull myself together and broke down crying about 20-30 minutes in. Almost immediately, my friend Joe came over to hold my hand and comfort me for the rest of adoration. Last night, it was my turn to do the comforting. At the beginning of adoration, I did feel emotional as I saw other people start to cry and as I was fighting back tears, I looked back to look at my friend and fellow leader Mirko. The second I saw him crying, I turned off the faucet in my eyes and went into Mama Bear mode. For the rest of the night, it was my job to hold down the fort and comfort him and our other friend Sara in every way that I could: stroking hair, holding a hand, rubbing backs and lower legs, reminding them to breathe, etc. Towards the end, we were sitting on the floor and Sara had gone to be with a retreatant, so I moved in next to Mirko. As I held his hand and put my head on his shoulder, I was instantly transported back the October 2011 adoration. Mirko and I were in the same position that Joe and I had been in the night before my grandpa died. I felt something powerful inside me in that moment that I can't explain well. I felt a warmth in my chest cavity and it was almost like my Mama Bear mode became stronger but more gentle at the same time. I have never felt more like a mom than I did last night.

We ended adoration with copious amounts of hugs and I love yous and Hold Us Together by Matt Maher. I heard the lyrics and couldn't help but smile while we were singing it. Strangely enough, Hold Us Together has been sung this year at Four:7. Is it a coincidence that the day I finally feel at home is ended by a wonderful group of people singing a song that is also sung Four:7? I don't think so. Thinking about it as I write, I think it was God's way of telling me that I am finally home.

If Plan "A" fails, you have 25 more letters in the alphabet

Today, I had a pretty important interview at Asuza Pacific University for their entry-level Masters nursing program. I went in feeling pretty good, but came out feeling not-so-good. I was informed that a) I will probably not be accepted due to my low GPA unless a miracle occurs and b) if I choose to reapply or am considering applying anywhere else, I will have to retake at least 3 classes so that I can have a stronger application. The classes that I would be retaking are Introduction to Organic Chemistry, Microbiology, and Oral Communications. So...that sucks.

After excessively ruminating on the information I received today, I find myself once again not really knowing what I am going to be doing with my life and feeling like I have been wasting my time. I know that I will probably not be going to nursing school within the next 12 months as I had planned and I know that I will be doing summer school. I also know that I will be continuing with my CCE program at the hospital. I partially blame one of my recommendors for the waste-of-time feeling. She had not sent my letter of recommendation in on time and so my application had to be rolled over into the next batch of applications. Had that not been the case, I would probably be working on retaking those classes already.

I am left with the job of figuring out Plan C. Plan A was to graduate with a nursing degree and Plan B was to start an accelerated nursing program by fall of 2013 or spring of 2014. I am frustrated and I am tired of failing. In the midst of that frustration, there is a slight sense of relief. I am relieved to know the reason I shouldn't expect to be accepted anywhere and what I can do to fix it for the next time around; otherwise I would just keep applying, getting rejected, and not know why. The next time around will be at least another 6-12 months from now. Until then, I will probably have to start at the lowest nursing rung possible and get a job as a CNA so I can make some more money and strengthen my application.

Through all of this, I have to remember that all options have not been exhausted and there is no timeline that I must follow. I have 24 more letters to go. Although in my timeline, I should be a nurse by now, getting married by 30, and having my first child by 33, my life is not set in stone from the very beginning. It is also helpful to know that my best friend Christine and I are essentially on the same life paths and are both going through the same thing. Perhaps that is a topic for another post.

In other news, I am nearly done with my Telemetry rotation as a CCE. I have enjoyed this rotation much more than the last rotation. It is more fast-paced and I am constantly doing discharges. Also, the family that I nanny for has had a new addition to the family. This new baby girl is just over a week old and is an extremely easy-going baby. She is precious and I look forward to the day when I can hold this beautiful baby.

"He Said"

"So your life feels like it don't make sense
And you think to yourself, 'I'm a good person'
So why do these things keep happening?
Why you gotta deal with them?
You may be knocked down now
but don't forget what He said, He said

I won't give you more, more then you can take
and I might let you bend, but I won't let you break
and No, I'll never ever let you go
Don't you forget what He said"

These are the opening lyrics to a song I recently discovered via Pandora entitled "He Said" by a Christian band named Group 1 Crew. This has to be one of my favorite Pandora discoveries.

Everything about this song is amazing and it really speaks to me. The number of times in my life I have asked "Why do these things keep happening?" is almost too many to count. I have had so many difficult times where I felt like I kept getting knocked down and felt like I was at my breaking point. I have had to deal with heartache, loss of loved ones, loss of friends, family illness, depression, anxiety, and the normal stresses. Sometimes it felt like they all came at once. This song serves as a great reminder to me that I'm not going to break anytime soon and whatever comes my way is there because God knows I am capable of handling it and He will help me find a way to cope with my stuggles. I hope you, my readers, can find some inspiration in this song as I did.

Here is the music video for "He Said". Enjoy!

Original Poem:Balloons

It has been quite some time since I wrote a poem. This my newest poem. It is about the time my good friend Joe and I released some balloons and a letter I had written. The letter was for my grandfather who had passed away and was written about a month after his death.

Four balloons.

One is like the ocean.
One is like a blade of grass.
One is like a medal.
One is like snow.

These four are tied together
with a letter.
All the words have been said
with a paper and a pen.

With my friend by my side,
we watch it float.
Above the water of St. Joseph.
Up near the tops of changing trees.
And into the clouds.

The things that were not said
when you were here
go up to you.

We stand nearly silent,
watching.

This moment brings peace
and knowledge of you
forever with me.

Book Review: The Time Keeper

 I have been on somewhat of a reading kick for about a year now. Since January of last year I have read 8 books and just started Wuthering Heights, which will be book number 9. The last book I read was a book by Mitch Albom. I have now read four of his books, The Time Keeper included. The other books of his that I have read are Tuesdays with Morrie, The Five People You Meet in Heaven, and Have a Little Faith. All of his books are super quick reads and have wonderful messages. I think I have read each book in less than a week, but they could definitely be read in one sitting.

The Time Keeper is a fictional story and a bit of a strange book. In the book, there are three separate plots which all come together withing the last few chapters of the book. The underlying similarity between Dor, Victor, and Sarah--the three main characters-- is that they are all messing with time in their own way. Dor finds a way to measure time and eventually becomes Father Time as a punishment. Victor has a terminal illness and is searching for a way to live forever. Sarah is a teen girl from a broken family who is looking to end her life. For each of them, looking for and measuring time is a distraction from the beautiful moments and people that are around them. The only way for Dor's punishment to lift is to show Victor and Sarah how their decisions of what to do with their time affects the people in their lives. The message of the book is really simple and something that many of us have heard many times over: be in the moment or you will lose sight of what is important.

If any one of my readers is looking for a new book to read, I hope I helped you find your next book. :)

Rotations, Applications, and Uncertainty

As of Wednesday, I have accomplished two things in my path to nursing. First, I finished my first rotation at the hospital. Second, I submitted another nursing program application, which brings me to 4 out of 5 completed applications.

The last day of my first rotation at the hospital was this past Wednesday. Looking back on my first rotation, I can say that I enjoyed my experience on the medical pulmonary floor but I am glad to be moving on. One drawback about the floor is that it is notorious for having patients who are in isolation. These are the patients whose visitors need to put on a special gown, mask, and/or gloves before entering the room. Because I am a volunteer, I am not allowed to go into those rooms. This meant less helping the staff and less patient interaction. I did get to see many things that I will probably be seeing as a nurse. I got to help with dressing changes, physical therapy, IV and vital sign checks, blood draws, and of course discharges. On my downtime, I would restock isolation carts, glucose monitors, and visit with patients. Many patients were happy with how their hospital stay had progressed despite being in a hospital. Good patient care makes for happy patients. Next week, I move onto the telemetry/cardiac floor. This floor seems like it will be more fast-paced than the medical pulmonary floor. I'll be glad to be busy since it will make the time go by faster and it makes me feel more useful.

I have one more nursing program application to go. I've applied to 4 schools so far, all in the Southern California area. I will be applying back to Saint Mary's. The fact that by next month I will be receiving notification letters is mildly terrifying. Since all of the programs start at different times, I don't know where I'll be going or when I'll be starting as of now. My ultimate fear is that I don't get accepted anywhere. My top three choices are UCLA, Concordia University Irvine, and Saint Mary's. UCLA's program is ranked in the top 10 in Southern California, if I remember correctly which means more job opportunities and lots of clinical hours. If I were to go to CUI, I could live at home and possibly keep going to my Sunday ballet class. One thing I know is that I want to be do some type of dance wherever I go even if it is only once per week. Going back to Saint Mary's would be fun for me. I have friends who would be in their senior year (shout-out to Molly, Patrick, and Nicole!) and I know I would have no trouble feeling at home there.

As soon as all applications have gone out, it will be in God's hands. I will go where He leads me and will have a great outcome no matter what. Let the praying begin...or continue.

Why do I love Her?

I'm back! I know I have been terrible at keeping up with the one blog per week that I usually do, but that will change soon. This post will be about the inspiration behind the most recently posted poem, Miss Thee, Notre Dame.

After coming off a tough loss to Alabama last week, I found myself Domesick once again. I'm not really sure what caused the Domesickness. It may have been Christine leaving after 12 amazing days together or that I've been thrown out of my "routine" of packing up and going back to Saint Mary's and Notre Dame after a break again. I don't know. All I know is that I feel like I don't have certain things at home that I did at Saint Mary's.

I think it all comes down to feeling an insane amount of love for every single aspect of the Saint Mary's/Notre Dame community. My friend Mike put it extremely well. After the loss to Alabama, he said, "There are a million reasons why I love Our Lady's University, and football is only one of them."  While Notre Dame football and everything that comes with it is amazing, there are tons of other reasons why I have so much love Notre Dame. I love Saint Mary's too, but I love Notre Dame more. I am not ashamed to say that while I was a student at Saint Mary's, Notre Dame always felt more like home to me than Saint Mary's ever did. I remember the exact moment when this realization came to me. It was the end of the first week of my senior year. After working at my Notre Dame job, I had planned to meet up with some friends for dinner and a play. So after work, I made my way towards the Keough Hall, one of the male dorms at Notre Dame. I was extremely excited and made it there as quickly as I could. The second I stepped into Keough, I got this almost overwhelming feeling of "I'm home." I got this feeling every time I stepped onto Notre Dame's campus or even thought about going over there.

Because Notre Dame always felt like I was at home there, there was rarely ever a time when I felt truly alone. I always knew that there would be someone that I could go to for anything no matter how small it was. It could be anything from needing a ride to the store to emotional support during a time of distress. I don't think I can count the number of times that this happened. I was always happy to see anyone and everyone and I looked forward to meeting up with my friends. Heck, I even looked forward to going over there to study in the library or the student center. Most days, I could be found doing something at Notre Dame whether it was working, studying, or just hanging out.

Another thing I loved and miss about Notre Dame and Saint Mary's is going to mass there. Everything about Notre Dame and Saint Mary's masses is perfection to me. To start off with, it is almost impossible to leave mass feeling like you didn't get anything useful out of the homily. Holy Cross priests make their homilies applicable everyday life and I would be hooked on every word for the entire length of the homily, be it 4 minutes or 24 minutes (although I don't think I encountered a 24-minute-long homily). We also had a beautiful sung version of the Our Father that we prayed when it came time for the Our Father. Saying the Our Father still feels strange to me even after almost a year of doing it. My favorite thing about mass, specifically Notre Dame masses, is that the giving of the Sign of Peace is a hug fest. For me, there is nothing like a hug fest to make you feel loved and happy. One time, the Peace hug fest served as a sedative for me. Essentially what happened was that I started having a minor panic attack during the Our Father and by the time the Peace hug fest was done, I was totally calm and out of my panic attack. Usually it takes me a good 10 minutes to come out of even a minor one.

I guess, in summary, those are the things that I miss most about being in the Notre Dame environment: 1) football fun, 2) the feeling of being at home, 3) knowing I am never truly alone, and 4) all the small things that make a perfect Mass. While I do have items 2 and 3 here at home, they aren't fully solidified for me yet. Perhaps I will make it my goal to solidify those items within the coming months.